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Apparently I have changed [25 Oct 2007|09:38pm]
So I talked with my coseler today about a couple that was having trouble having sex. SO I told it to matt. he made the analogy that its like some touching hot water and burning themselves and saying that they will never, touch or drink water again. He said the husband in the story is getting no respect from his wife because she is just making up an excuse.

I asked him about going to see a counseler, and argued how he saw no point. It wouldnt help him in any way. I told him love is about being patient and kind, and that was what that husband was doing, and i told him if he loved him i would figure he would want to help me through this. He just kept saying this is my problem and he is getting punished for it.
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[23 Oct 2007|10:59pm]
a quote from matt: You wanna know why i'm always pissed off and yell? it because you never give me sex. You think of that anytime that I get upset and yell at you that in reality its your own fault.
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[16 Oct 2007|10:20pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Julie has been putting up old journal entries...i actually found ones from high school so here are a few lame ones..

First things first: my name was "Hope is for Losers"

quick note on my name. It is a quote from dark angel which in its entirety says: Hope is for losers. Its a con job people trip behind until they finally get a grip on the cold hard truth. When I was in high school, i felt i was bad ass I guess, I wanted to be just like Dark Angel, have a boyfriend who drove an Aztec, ride a Ninja 350 or whatever, I also wanted to get a bar code on the back of my neck.....how retarded ha.

Subject: Oh my
Time: 6:51 am.
Mood: aggravated.
Music: i could fall in love - selena.
Well I'm wide awake waiting for the bus, and i get this call from my aunt sayig "oh Justin's sick i will drop your geometry book off at the front desk"(justin borrowed my book yesterday and was going to give it to me to day. And then my mom is asking me 100 questions about it, what sickness does he have, i hope u dont get his germs, like i give a crap. i mean come on here i am eating my ketch up bread when i am allergic to yeast, i really could care less about my allergeies.

Why am I even up this early online. I should be getting ready tog et on the bus or something.

Janruary 29, 2002
Subject: Well today is almost over
Time: 6:38 pm.
Mood: devious.
Music: Missyelliot - hot boyz.

well today sucked kinda..... ok it started with mrs.reagen, i walk in and hand her the green slip thing, and she goes"u seem like you miss alot of my class, you should try nt to miss so much" an i am like "what the f***!, i was sick all day, i didnt skip your damn class." So then we had a quiz today on some stories, and i go to mrs.reagen...i can take the test today i studied. she goes no u can take it tomorrow, and then she makes this new rule that if ppl get sick or skip class the day of the reveiw then they have to take the test the next day. Watever. well then ialmost fell asleep in religion wit Marfeka(zzzzzzz). And then i went to Mrs.i pull equations out of my ass Regula. i decided not to even take notes cuz it wouldnt help either way. and well history was ok we just took notes. and then lunch time oh joy. Making preztels is sooo muh fun! yeah, right. but lunch was better than the morning and it made me happy. but then i went to(as leah calls her) the Slavedrivers class. I could hear the crack of the whip as she made us write more spanish she it, and she is like lets have a quiz tomorrow, and im like go to hell. and the rs of the day was boring except band cuz me spock, rose, julie and shanna were in a practice room making fun of ashley it was funny. Play practice was ok. but then i had to go my aunts, but i got to see my new cusin jackie for the first time, she is soooo cue, and mary doesnt get all the anntention hahahahaha!!!!! ifeel so evil. well i woder what tomorrow will bring and i agree with matt, i think i should watch moulin touge again, such a great movie. And dark angel is on friday at 9!!! Max kicks ass, logan and eric are fine!!!! and max nd logan get to kiss a major plus!!! well gotta blaze ttyl.

What a horrible typer, and I still cant do it. I remeber all those classes haha especially regula's. I seem to be an evil cousin too, i mean at the time mary was like 4 and now she doesnt get all the attention....what a whore i was.

Friday, February 1st, 2002

Subject: Im just sitting here
Time: 12:32 pm.
Mood: ecstatic.
Music: the humm of the pc.
well i am sitting in the school library and writing in here. so today was pretty good, had 4 tests but they went pretty well. i had a good lunch which consisted of a pepsi and chips yummy! and i have piano lesson today 330 to 430. sounds like fun, yeah right. but in paragraph writing i told an interesting story to the class, it was about a camping trip to rays town with my friend caitlin, my parents and my dog(vette). well my dad rented this boat, and it was really hot that day so we were going to go fishing. well we were out on the boat for about 20 minutes(vette was there too)and it started to thunder and ligthening ......then big hail balls came falling from the sky. my mom, caitlin and i wanted my dad to dock but he wouldnt..he sat there drinking his beer and said,"i paid for this and we are going to get our money's worth!" my poor vette looked like a drenched rat for awhile, but we tried to dry him, with some towels. the next we noticed was this house bout next to use started to sink. the tents on the beach were blowing away it was scary. well then the hail stopped and we fished and then went to dock the boat. later that evening my parents wanted me and caitlin to go on another boat that wings and beer, and well since there was a thunderstorm warning me and caitlin said no. so they went and me and caitlin and vette went in the of the pick-up truck, lucky for us it had a roof, so we said there til the rain stopped. great story uh?? yeah right whatever. well im going tonite and i need bumpers cuz i bowl like she it........and poor dave got beat by the harp girl,last time he went bowling!!! hehehehe, sry dave that was funny and i had to put it there.
well i gotta blaze ttyl!!!!
Comments: dare to disagree.

Whay must I say shit like "she it"? How retard. I will never forget that day on the lake hahah

Monday, February 25th, 2002

Subject: Your my only hope
Time: 9:58 pm.
Mood: confused.
Music: only hope - a walk to remember.
Im very confused....there is this guy and sometimes he acts like he likes me more then a friend and then at times he likes me just as a friend, and im kinda confused cuz i dont know what to do and i just dont want to ask him do you like me cuz i would feel weird. but then there is this other guy who is all over me all the time and asks me if i want to make out with him and i am like no way...cuz i dont like him like that and plus we arent even dating and i just dont go and make out with ppl. but im scared what if i am starting to like the guy that is all over me and i am losing interest in the other guy, who i will admit who is much sweeter and nicer. i dont want t lose interest in this guy just cuz i am getting more attention from the other guy, God help me please i dunno what to do.
This song is dedicated to the much nicer and sweeter guy:

The song was Only Hope...eck. At least in high school my boyfriends seemed liveable with or not crazy.....eh however, after i wrote this some made this comment: "how is any guy supposed to know your not like that? you dress and throw your self around like you are?!?! besides dont you think your makin this situation all about you, contrary to popular belief what if these guys have thoughts feelings or opinions too?"
Wow doesnt that make you feel like a high school whore or what.

My journal respone to the psoter:
Wednesday, February 27th, 2002

Subject: oh my
Time: 3:15 pm.
Mood: awake.
Music: cry - mandy moore.
Allright that last entry i had....whoever posted a comment and didnt say who they were should have least said who they were,, maybe they dont have to courage to or something but what i dont seem to know what people's opinions are. but i do care about there opinions and i must know you because you seem to know how i dress. well i dont dress like a slut, i enjoy jeans and a kool t-shirt or something, and i dont throw myself on guys, and i wear make up which i believe is nothing wrong most girls wear make up. but i do care bout other ppls opinions but this is my journal not theirs if they want to post there opinions then they can get there own journal or something. i mean i dont know what else to say, and i dont want to start an agrument but whoever you are if i made you mad i am sorry and i hope you can forgive me.
Why do i always have to say im sorry for eveything, even i f i didnt do it?

Sunday, March 31st, 2002

Subject: Listen,Red light, yellow light, green light........
Time: 7:14 pm.
Mood: blah.
Music: Def Leopard - Pour some sugar on me.
.....GO!!Crazy little woman in a one man show.~Def leopard, Pour some sugar on me.

Hey its been awhile, since i've last written. Not much has happened but i got brocithis(cant spell it),but i feel a lot better than yesterday. i got the Coyote Ugly DVD for easter, and I watched that 2day. I luv that movie it makes want to become a bartender, just so i can spin alcoholic beverages around hehe, easter was ok i got to sit in the car while my parents went to visit relatives, i didnt want to get anyone sick. yeah well i gotta blaze, cya lata.

I got to sit in the car? Why didnt they just leave me at home? Weird.

Thats all for now...

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out of place, out of mind [05 Oct 2007|09:13pm]
I feel so out of place.......
I have not been focusing on school they way i should have been.......i got a 68 on my first accounting test, and a 52 on my first nutr 100 test.....really great. So there is this project due in accounting and i went for help thursday night, grant i waited 45 minutes to meet my teacher and I also was starting to get sick....blah

I met a girl while waiting, katherine. She also transferred from Penn State Altoona, and is totaly behind in her HRIM credits, as am i. We talked about failing the accounting test, and we both agreed that we had to kick our asses to get a start on this.

I did this last semester too, even if i did pull of two C's 1 A and two B's I was happy....Stat was hard as fuck....but it took me failing my first test to realize i need to bust my ass and make this right.

At the same time all i have been doing is editting videos.......maybe thats what i need to do....i feel bad because when icome home i put on my phones and tune the world out, i listen to my music and search the celebrity blogs, or edit videos, i feel like i put matt on back burner half of the time.....
Though everything we've been through i consistently think about in my mind, all the fight s we had this summer. i dont think ive ever cried so much i just i am too young to be doing...too young......i feel like i am missing on opportunities something is holding me back...is it matt.... i love hima nd i do want him to be happy, but what must i do i dont know.....
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Everybody's looking for something [17 Sep 2007|11:54pm]
[ mood | blah ]

What am i looking for......quite frankly i dont know.

Sunday I went grocery shopping for matt... he had one item on the list i didnt know what it was so I bought what i thought it was. I called him at work to make sure iw as right but he didnt answer. So i took my groceries home. later matt came home and nicely said, "oh dont worry about it, i'll help you get it next time, what did you get." He opened the freezer to see and he flipped.....he started to scream about how i can never do anything right and how he would have to do everything for us. Excuse me for no know what a beef stew kit was.....any way i was sad.

Everytime we fight it makes me miss being single more and more...and i wonder is he what i want for the rest of my life......

I went to visit julie at the start of month and had an amazing time...i just wished i lived with her again......you know i'm always asking God to give me a sign, for certain things. On my way i stopped at sheets..wearing the ppu shirt julie got me for free......the guy at the counter immediately asked if i went to ppu.

no. but i did.

He replied, "I go there now for film/video"

"no way, i want to do that, i go to pennstate main now."

"why did you transfer?"

I guess i was looking for something more."

"Everybody's looking for something."

If that wasnt i sign then i dont what is. I felt strange, after that....and i went to this religious conference called "women of faith" and one speaker said how there is so much in the world God wants you see, so many beautiful things he created for you that he wanted you to see" That made me want to travel......alot.

I want to go around the world, and edit videos for movie stars... I want my old life back at ppu, and live with my crazy fun friends and have good time doing nothing, and be able to act stupid without being critisized...write a book.....be a volunteer for the american cancer society and an advocate for rainn, i want to dance, and work out, read lots of books, see as many movies as I can. I want to get married someday, maybe have one or two kids, is this too much? can i accomplish it all......maybe if i beleive in myself......I'm looking for something more, but is my more too much?

Eh...all i have to say is Gimme gimme more.....

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gimme [10 Sep 2007|12:31am]

....totally sad.....

....Britney i still love you even though your performance was not anything we expected...
you were there and you tried....

"if you havent tried, you havent lived"- meet joe black
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classes....eh.....eh.....argh [27 Aug 2007|01:22pm]
So classes started today. yay. The only thing i'm excited about its going home to get my camera in the mail, and going to the burgh this weekend. I wasnted to leave thursday but that prob won't be happening because I missed my first class, which my own damn fault cuz I got the building mixed up.

and the class I missed will probably be the worst class this semester. I can't wait for my camera because i want to start my video concept for "sunday Morning" by no doubt.

Howeveer, I need a greenscreen and that cost money that i do not have. So does rent, it cost money too, and thats due this week, woop-de-doo...

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Fly [10 Aug 2007|04:26pm]
"In a moment everything can change......Let go of yesterday.
Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this moment and take control?
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can change
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life,
and start to try
Cause it's your time
to Fly.

In a moment everything can change......Let go of yesterday."

How I felt the morning I went home from that morning in the hospital.
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I don't need nobody tellin me what I wanna [06 Aug 2007|09:05am]
...do about my destiny

Here I sit listening to an "overprotected" remix, drinking a diet pepsi. I decided this weekend to start on Julie's remix I have been promising her......again. And its turning our awesome, but there were two remixes and i might make on for each....anyway the program i am using is sweet, omg sweet.

Things are going so muuch beter for me and matt right now.....i really dont feel like writing more..
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I wanna drive too fast, I wanna play full blast [30 Jul 2007|04:01pm]
I wanna dance til I drop, I wanna rock, full stop.

Quick update.

So i came home for Mexico, and matt's brother stayed over for a few days. Then the weekend after I came home I went to Warren, Pa to see Julie. I was so happy I got to see her. I'm going to be sad when she moves away from PA.

I didnt tell my mom i was going, but sunday night while i was there she called me, and she found out. I figured she would, but she didnt seem to care.

I think i miss living with her and neff just because now, inthe living situation i am in, i feel like i have to be grown up, with them i did not, and i miss that, but when i am with them the feeling of responsible is at ease.

Anyways, alot has been going on with my mind, especially about matt, i cant talk about it right now, but i still love him and i want him to be happy.

well gotta go to work, eh.....
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who am i? [20 Jul 2007|04:04pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]

I really do not know who i am.....

You know i began looking up film studies today before work and it got me thinking, why did i not stick with film, why did i not stay at point park......i look at both and think....because i am lazy....maybe i am to lazy to do hard work that will actually mean something to me, the thought even crossed me that one reason i am with matt is because I want someone to take care of me cuz i do not want to do it myself.

But at the same time I know I love him......last night we got in an arguement because I stopped balancing my one check book, and he got mad. And i told him i keep track of it online and he says well i guess i will have to take care of everything when we are married and it made me feel as if i cant do anything for myself....maybe i am too dependant on other people........i just wish i could figure this out

So i balanced my checkbook today......but am i scared of hard work? I think i am more scared of criticism when it comes to video editting, i just want to be part of the post production no script writing or anything like that......i dont know......any way off to work...then tomorrow Julie turns 21!!!!!!

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Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy [18 Jul 2007|06:49pm]
[ mood | sick ]

These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like.

I hate being sick.....your freezing when your temp goes up and your sweating uncontrollable when you temp goes down, and the pressure....the sinus pressure all over your face and even pain in your teeth.

Called off work today, and I am going to try to beat this cold out of me with out an antibiotic. Can too much orange juice make you sick? I think I have had 5 huge glasses today along with sinus decongestants, 2 nose sprays, and a supplement of zinc...which if you take zinc everyday t lessens your chances of being sick weird, yeah i know.

When I was on the plane to Pittsburgh the other day when the flight attendant gets up to show u how to put an oxygen mask on and how to buckle your seat belt...it looks like a choreographed dance. It made me laugh.

Matt's brother came to visit on sunday night and he left today. It was nice to have him here, but now im sick and i dont care if he is here anymore.

You know whats weird but I have been thinking about reincarnation a lot. Like when you die, you our born again but you do not remember your past life, and the cycle continues. I don't know about life after death or heaven or hell, but no matter what i'm scared because strangely enough i wonder if will be able to remember my life, when we die do we just become nonexsistant... do we lay in our coffin and decompaose and stay there forever until who knows when.....eh the thought scares me....also i have been thinking about death for some reason along the lines of imagining how the airplane i am in will crash or if i just swerve my car the right way , i could demolish it or myself, i dont under stand why i think these thoughts when in reality i really dont want to die or to be in accident. But all these thought bother me....anyway I'm happy i am not suicidal or anything so its all good.......on a good note......

I'm soo excited for this weekend!!!!! I get to see Julie wooo!!!

Until tomorrow....

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Me guesta las hamberguesas y las papas fritas [11 Jul 2007|11:54pm]
So yesterday was the first day my aunt and I had "work." There was a hour of cocktails and a trend fashion at 5pm that we had to attend. It was nice. I had a moheta, whatever that is and i didnt like it much. However, we finally had the chance to see Marie, after talking to her by phone all day.

The fashion show was nice, short a sweet, unlike tomorrow's which is 500 dresses to see, eh. Anyways afterwards Marie invited us for chinese at our hotel. I was happy for that because I was able to get sushi and I really love sushi even if it was only the 3rd time i had it. Well when we got a table it was only suppose to be Marie, my aunt and I but then an older woman and her daughter came to join us. Marie invited them in the first place but they declined. THen they showed up and the daughter had a box of food from a different buffet which at first I thought was rude, but I got over it. ALso, this old womans store is called the bunny patch, when my aunt's friend Tess heard that she said it sounded some place where the playboy bunnies hang out haha. Anyway, so we moved to a bigger table. then one of Marie's clients came down. She told us before he arrived he is very picky, and my be rude at times but he turned out to be very nice. When he first sat down it just felt like a lot of tension was building up.

Before dinner, Marie invited me to go downtown to a bar with her and I agreed, Aunt Sharon did not want to go. I was hesitant though. When we met her client that came to joing us at dinner, he said he was going, but the lady from the Bunny Patch said that downtown Puerta Vallarta is dangerous. I immediately thought of Natilie Halloway and how awful people can be to snatch up a drunk girl and leave her for dead. I could just see the headlines now.

I declined to go downtown iwth Marie and her friend, I dont think she went either.

Today, we got up and worked out and went for breakfast. Then there was suppose to be a fashion show but it was moved to 5:30 because the dresses were caught in customs in Mexico City. My aunt Sharon and I went to lay out in the sun. WE were sweating bullets without doing any phsical activity. So we hoped int he pool to cool off. In the pool was a group of ladies, one was Alisha Hill, a shoe designer. It's always excited to talk t other people that own sores and designers but sitting there listening to everyone, I felt like i was in glass world. Here I was in a circle of women wearing larger than life bug eye sunglasses sipping on pina coladas in a swimming pool, and i thought were do i fit in. I immediately thought of the sushi bar las night. While sitting at the table I saw a baby cry and it made me miss Matt? Why it made think of him, maybe because he will be the father of children someday but I do miss him.

Anyways, my aunt and I went down town today to see the shops and they were like everywhere else we have been except we did see a truck full of mexican guys blasting Ace of Base - The sign......tell me how gay is that, I was laughing my ass off .....

Hasta Manana
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Quick note to remind what to type later [11 Jul 2007|03:02pm]
-downtown dangerous
-going out with marie
-tension at the sushi bar

-sitting in pool with a bunch of ppl where bug eye sunglasses
-britney maybe performing at the vma's
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Mexico [09 Jul 2007|07:33pm]
hmm well
where to start, I havent even been here 24 hours. and yet i love it and hate it all at once. The morning before I left, my period came, woo hoo. It was heavy too....not as heavy has it has been in the past, but the thought of my mom's uterus being burned off scared me. Wishing that will never happen to me. Anyway, my aunt came to pick me up and we had to drive to her store to pick up a wedding dress, and on our way to pittsburgh drop it off. On our way to her store I realize I do not have my passport. It is int he safe at home and my dad is tthe only one that knows the combo. To make things even better, my dad wasnt home nor did he have his cellphone to reach him. So my aunt and I go to her store and figure by the time we get back to my house he will be home.

He's not. So i began to look in a metal box my mom keeps important papers for my birth certificate. That is not there either.Luckily my dad pulls in the drive way, and i rush to greet him. Jokingly he says, "that's Put for ya." Which i know he was joking but maybe matt is right, maybe I am a "ninny." I am always forgeting important things.

We finally make it on the road, and get to murrysville to drop off the dress. i knew I needed to go the bathroom, but we werent far from pittsburgh, so I figured i cold wait. Well my period couldnt. As we pulled into station square and got out of the car, I looked at the seat a saw something I have seen quite a few times before. Blood. F' U, F U. i going through my mind, God my aunt is going to be pissed. "Sharon, I had an accident" and I blurted, "i got my period on your seat, it was heavier than I thought." She said, "don't worry about it." What?? "are you sure, I feel so bad" She replied, "its fine, this car is a lease, when 4 years is up i turn it in and get a new one, they can clean." Well that was a releif.

Before that happened.....when we were driving into pittburgh we went over the 10th street bridge, and for some reason i have been to the burgh a few times to visit since i left, and seen this bridge but never crossed it. When we crossed i was thrown back when i walked acrossed it myself, to PAAR,pittsburgh action against rape. So many feeling came rushing back. I remember the night Julie came with me to a group meeting, and they wouldnt let her in the room, unstandable but at the same time, her being in the room would have made me felt more comfortable.
As we drove some mor,e we went past the sphinx. It was gone. We had some crazy nights there....and then I saw it. The building i used to live in, 1509, 1615 lawerence hall. I could even see the window to my old room, however i could pick it out from where we were located. I have been in lawerence hall since i left too, but I think it is different being in the situation I am in at the present moment, and my hormones were not helping. I held back the tear, and the period thing came next.

MY aunt and I went to the hard rock cafe and we sat outside were we could watch the fountain. I remember night when courtney, ashley and I would come over, especially when they played 15 minutes of christina aguilera, and i would dance around to lady marmalade.

Fast forward to this morning. Up at 3:15 AM, at the airport by 4:15 boarded the plane by 5:45 and off at 6. We landed in houston around 8ish, however since the time difference we really traveled for three hours. The reason i even bring this up is for julie's MRI entree(or should i say you entry because, your the only friend i have here the might actually read this).... I lvoe to ride on a plane, but the 10 minutes after take off and 10 mintues until landing, i get nervous. They say those are the times most planes crash. And today we did not have a big plane we had a little commuter plane. so I could feel every bump and what not. I can't read the emergency cards cuz they freak me out, but when I her the flight attendent talk bout what to do in case of an emergency.......I think oh my what if i die, what would everyone else, do what would matt do would i be replaced, what not. I think of my parents losing a child just like when i boy i knew from high school died and his parents were devastated. I am sure they moved on but its suppose to be the other way around. Then I think what am i going to when my parents die, I really cannot imagine how i will be. But that is in the future not for now.....and I will deal with day as it comes.

Well i guess i should get ready for dinner....eh.

very tired
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i'm losing my religion [07 Jul 2007|08:18pm]
Tired, very tired. Today was long.
I was up at 7:30 and I took my dad to work, then I came home worked out for an hour, and went to eat with my mom. We had asecret shopping mission at ponderosa...interesting. Then i went to the local pool with my aunt, uncle and three cousins. They kept me busy, very busy. Being in the sun makes me tired. They invited me over for dinner and that was enjoyable. I cam home and figured the rest of my college career.....
this fall i am taking 17.5 credits, in the spring, i shall take 18 next summ i will take 7 credits, and in fall of '08 I will take 13 credit and im done.

more alter
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so tired [22 Jun 2007|11:34pm]
[ mood | tired ]

My first night alone in the trailer..... I've only been ehre about 20 minutes and it isnt bad.
I am also learning to seal with automatic thoughts. When something happens I tend to think one way about for example tonight at work there was a table Bri and I split. It happened to be her old manager from the inn. She was kinda of stressed about it. When they came in I had 3 tables and they all needed something, so I was runnging around while bri handled the table til i was able to get there.
Finally when I got there, I kept asking her what to do and she seemed ticked. I immediately thought oh she at me, and I started to strees our about it, when in fact she was fine.

I need to stop having this thoughts or at least control them.

Very tired.

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Skipping class [20 Jun 2007|10:46am]
Well i am skipping my marketing class, again. Cllasses end next week, I should go but I dont care right now.

Here's some pix of my kitty:

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Let the Rain Pour [18 Jun 2007|04:31pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

Everyone does this in life to find out what why they want to go, in high school you need to figure what schol to go, I felt that was more laid back.

College, is so much more complicated. When you get towards the end of your 4 years, in my case 5, there is so much to do. I just want to live.

I love matt, but I want to still be able to have fun without him. I found a guy I am comfrotable being around with out being drunk, and I want a life I once had....I think I am going to through a phase.

I want to be able to do everything, i still dont know if this is the right major for me, i know i can do it and I love to do it, but what if I took video editting....what if I took time away from Matt. liek still be together but I go do what I want, be with my friends whenever I want.

This love, hell sex isnt all its cracked up to be. My aunt was right. I like it yeah, but I dont need it to get through my day.
Thank God I'm not a boy, I would have some issues.

I miss .....

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Black horse and a Cherry tree [17 Jun 2007|04:34pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]

I was also thinking today that I love the way my life it heading, however, what if it wasn't this way. I miss a lot of things.....ALOT...
I won't bore you with list, but what if things would have turned out different, maybe there is a way I can incorporate this world I miss into this new life but how?

I miss this.....

if i were to ever go back, i would miss the life i have now, and it would be almost but not quite there yet, too late to continue where we all left off....i just want to have both lifes, cuz i love them both so much......

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